It's Been A While!

Well, it looks like I'm back here again! I jjust couldn't find the time to update for the longest time. There are so many things that have happened since I last posted in December, that I just can't wait to share with everyone.

First, I have found out Belly Bean's gender since early December. Belly Bean, or Sweet Tooth, is now being referred to as Beau Alexander. That's right! He's a boy! He is absolutly perfect in every possible way, and I can hardly wait to meet him! We're all so close to it now it's hard to fathom it! I just can't wait to be holding my new little man in my arms, I can hardly stand the excitement. I really think Hunter understands what is going on to some level. He knows there is a baby in mommy's tummy, and he knows that he will come home with us eventually, but like a toddler, I don't think that he realizes that the baby is going to be his brother, and that the baby will stay with us. Oh well, you can't expect miricles from a toddler, haha.

Another thing is that Brent and I celebrated our one year anniversary on the 28th of April. It's hard to believe that we have made it an entire year. I'm even more surprised that he doesn't think I'm a dragon lady with all the pregnancy hormones being thrown at him. He is absolutly perfect. Brent is my other half, the man I should have been with all along, not Hunter's father. I can't bring myself to regret that decision though, to be with Hunter's sperm doner of a father, because that brought me one of the greatest gifts I have ever recieved, Hunter.

Brent and I have finally moved in together. Well, technically, we moved in with my friend in New Jersey, but we finally did it, we moved away from our parents. Things in both of our houses were hurting us and our future. We had started to get in fights constantly, and it was hard to be around him sometimes because of our situation, but now that we're in a better place, we're much happier, and I'm so much happier that Hunter is in a better place. It was such a toxiv place for all of us to be. It was going to ruin us if we didn't get out of there when we did. We're not planning on staying with my friend forever. We're really hoping to get out of here before Beau is born. My friend, Kara, says she doesn't mind having us there at all. She was living alone for a while and she loves the company, and how aliver her house is now. She especially loves being close to Hunter though. She is his godmother, and she rarely ever got to see him before now. Brent and I are hoping to find a place close to Kara so that we can still be close.

Today was a very sad day for me. My friend, Angie, told me that she has Peripheral T-Cell Lymphoma. It's a form of lung cancer. We hadn't spoken for a few months. She had been in and out of hospitals for a while, but the doctors had no idea what was wrong with her, then they took a lymph node sample and did a biopsy on it and it turns out she was very sick. I can't even fathom handling it as well as she is. She is in a government hospital in Maryland. They are doing research on her, and she has 5 more months of chemo left. She tells me that after the chemo, she will be fine, but will she really? Cancer is such an unpredictable thing that she could be gone tomorrow, or she can live a long, happy, healthy life. I just don't even know what to think anymore.

Also, a good friend of mine joined the marines a while ago, and he got shipped out the other day. He is in Nagasaki, Japan right now. I don't know how long he will be gone, but I'm praying to god that he will be fine.

I've never been a religious person before, but lately I've been finding more and more things to pray for and be thankful about. I'm so greatful for everything that has been given to me, and everything that is soon to come. I find myself thanking god for a healthy son, and for the beautiful boy in my stomach. I thank him for the man that I hope to one day call my husban. I'm praying for him to help me find a house soon, and that Beau will be perfect when he is born. I'm praying for him to make my friend healthy, and I'm praying that he helps my friend Chris, come back from war safely. I can't help but feel selfish asking for so many things without giving anything back.

Hopefully everything will be alright though.

It's December!

Well, Brent and I have since made up from our massive fight. We both apologized, and we're acting as if it never happened, but for some reason, I can't help but think that everything is different now. Now I know how he may really feel about this pregnancy. He was the one who suggested that we start trying, so why should I be the only one held responsible? It's not like I got myself pregnant. Whatever. Thats something I know I'm going to end up dealing with some other day.

Well, with December, comes massive amounts of snow! Oh Joy! Not. I went out Christmas shopping today, and my parents refused to watch Hunter for me, so I ended up having to take him with me. I was out shopping for him most of all! It all went pretty well in the end, but H Man was so fussy! It didn't help that random people were coming up and touching him. I was about to snap some people's fingers off in a second. The pregnancy hormones were not favoring the random strangers today, no they were not!

My first OB appointment and ultrasound is coming up, and I'm so excited! I can't wait to get the pictures scanned onto here so that I can show off my bean to everyone, lol. I've been feeling so fat and huge lately. I'm so surprised that my parents didn't really notice how big I was getting, though it actually fluctuates from day to day depending on how bloated I am that day. I have a picture, but I'm so huge and gross looking in it, that the only person I've shown is my JM friend Adi, haha.

I put a new ticker at the top of the page for my pregnancy, which I like much better since it puts me a day ahead of what the other one did, but it still keeps the same due date, which confuses me. I blame pregnancy on my lack of brain cells at the moment. We can only imagine how bad it'll be when I'm 8 months along, lol.

My dad ordered me a laptop for Christmas (this was before he found out about baby number 2) and it's been 5 days since that, so hopefully it'll come soon, and I can stop going on this super slow desktop, and on my phone.

Speaking of my phone, I am so angry about it. I have an iPhone 3G, and it is such a piece of crap. It freezes at least once a day, it randomly exits from my internet pages, and now the switch on the side to set it to vibrate or ringer, snapped off. Yeah, I didn't even notice it until we were out shopping, and I went to switch it to vibrate because it was so loud in the mall. It's moments like those, where you find out a $300 piece of expensive electronics, has broken, and your phone carrier (AT&T) doesn't have insurance for it, so you can't even get it replaced, that you really love technology.

Yep, gotta love that :D

My Heart Hurts

Brent and I have gotten in a massive fight. I don't know what to do with myself. He doesn't return my phone calls, he won't return my texts, he didn't say anything to me about what was going to happen. If I could go back to the fight, I would take it all back. I would tell him he was right, and he was perfect, and that he was amazing. Has anyone invented a time machine yet?

My parents know that I'm pregnant now though. They heard Brent and I yelling about it. They won't even look at me. They avoid me like the plague, like if they go near me, they'll catch a disease. It doesn't surprise me, I was expecting the rejection. What does surprise me, is how much the rejection hurts.

They're supposed to be my parents. They're supposed to love me unconditionally, but here they are, avoiding me like I'm a disease. I feel so ashamed of myself. I should have known better than to think that my life could actualy get better. I didn't deserve Brent. I don't deserve this baby. I don't deserve anything right now.

Snow

I loathe the cold. Weird considering I live in a cold area, and I was born in colder months, but despite these things, I hate the snow. The only time I do enjoy it, is when I'm snowboarding or skiing, and with my being pregnant, that is out of the question this season, which dissappoints me a little, but I'm getting something so much better once summer comes, a new baby.

Hunter is teething molars, and I feel so horrible for him. Yesterday was the absolute worst he's been about it in a while. He was crying almost all day, and it hurt me to hear him in so much pain. He's feeling so much better today though, back to his smiling, food throwing self, hahaha.

This little belly bean is sure giving me a run for my money! He's making me get so sick all of the time, and I have a constant low grade fever. I don't particularly mind the fever at this point in time. It's keeping me nice and toasty warm. I'm still craving candy, and I'm still giving in to those cravings. I can't help myself! Another weird note about this pregnancy, I'm actually crazing alcohol. I haven't givin in to those cravings, even though I really want to, haha.

The First Post

Today is my 20th birthday. I don't feel any different than I did yesterday, and I'm sure I'll still feel the same tomorrow. Nothing has changed since yesterday. I still have a son, Hunter, my world. I'm still dating my best friend, Brent. I am still pregnant with my second baby. The only thing that has changed, is the number that represtents how long ago I was born.

People frowned upon me when I would tell them that I was 19 years old, and I had a son. Will that change now that I'm 20? Will people stop looking at me like I'm a blight on society now that I'm "old enough" to have children? No, they won't. People are predictable. Most people know how to count, and they will know soon enough that I was a teen mother. I am a teen mother.

My second is due this coming July, and I couldn't be more scared. I know it's going to be hard, but that doesn't mean that, just because I'm young, that I can't do it. There are plenty of older mothers who are worse parents than myself, so who are they to judge? I may not be in the greatest of situations, unmarried, young, and yes, still living with my parents, but I will love this child and give it everything it needs and deserves in life, and so much more than that.

I'm getting sick all the time, and I'm surprised my parents haven't confronted my about it. Maybe they're trying to avoid the fact that their youngest daughter, is pregnant yet again. I dissappointed them when I got pregnant with Hunter. I was supposed to be the good child, the one who always knew when to say know, and when to stop. I was supposed to make something of myself. What they don't realize right now, is that I'm making myself the best person I can be, a mother.

I've never blogged before. I never felt like I needed to say anything. What surprises me is that I do. I have tons of things to say, but I can't put any of them into words. I can't express them through a keyboard, or even in words. It's something you need to experiance yourself, something you need to live through.